Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
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Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus