Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving