Crying no one at my office is dressed up today meanwhile I am sitting at my desk looking like this help
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when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
At least when I talk to myself here, people don’t look at me funny.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me