Crying no one at my office is dressed up today meanwhile I am sitting at my desk looking like this help
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
dude it’s called proctologist
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
everyone has that one prude friend
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…