Crying no one at my office is dressed up today meanwhile I am sitting at my desk looking like this help
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Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I told my vodka about you.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.