Cut my finger while carving a pumpkin and my 12 y/o daughter told me to save the blood in case we needed it for decorations so I said, “ok, sweetie,” and took garlic to bed with me because WTF.
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Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Pringles
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.