Cut my finger while carving a pumpkin and my 12 y/o daughter told me to save the blood in case we needed it for decorations so I said, “ok, sweetie,” and took garlic to bed with me because WTF.
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You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.