Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.