“daddy why do celebrate halloween” [don’t say worshipping satan don’t say worshipping satan] well son, it’s for worshipping satan
You Might Also Like
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup