Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.