Dressed as my supervisor’s feedback on my PhD thesis for Halloween because nothing is scarier than reality
😱😱😱
#phdlife #phdchat #phdmemes
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!