Dressed as my supervisorās feedback on my PhD thesis for Halloween because nothing is scarier than reality
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#phdlife #phdchat #phdmemes
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Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsomeā¦ Iād have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
hey i know we havenāt talked since high school but weāre celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
[yard sale]
Cop: Weāre here to question you about your neighborās missingā¦is that a gun? Weāre going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
āStay weirdā she said, like I have a choice
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid āfallsā down a well.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool.Ā Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, āTrespassing.ā
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Things that cause extreme panic:
ā Accidentally liking a Tweet
ā No milk
ā Unknown numbers
ā The question āyou donāt remember me do you?ā
ā Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
ā āTickets pleaseā
ā āItās 3 for 2 if you want to go get another oneā
ā Doorbells
Prom tip: DONāT HAVE A BABY
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
āActually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother withā
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when Iāll need to slice open a pocket.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, whatās the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. Itās gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Everything goes as planned when nothingās planned.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop āhelpingā!
Friend: I canāt sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I canāt sleep?
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
The postman told me heās off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and itās not an almond itās a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: āSorry about the damage, but Iāve patched it up so you probably canāt even see it.ā
They say throwing a party is about planning, but itās really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Moving tip: donāt learn how to read
Not even remotely sorry.
Why is it called āreading a bookā and not paper view?
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
āgo to hellā is basic. āi hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musicalā is real. itās possible. itās terrifying.
āI JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!ā
-me, trying to put a crib together
āhoney let me seeā i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. āwaspsā