Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

She: I like Cats
He:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1553312837145350144/pu/vid/592x1052/LWfsm_aPdIbjQnQM.mp4?tag=12

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.