Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

Not even remotely sorry.

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’