Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT