Dressed as my supervisor’s feedback on my PhD thesis for Halloween because nothing is scarier than reality
😱😱😱
#phdlife #phdchat #phdmemes
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“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
not for long
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.