Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!