For Halloween should I be Girl In Sweats Ordering Chinese Food or Girl In Pajamas Ordering Pizza
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“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.