For Halloween should I be Girl In Sweats Ordering Chinese Food or Girl In Pajamas Ordering Pizza
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DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets