For Halloween this year I’m going as a fatter version of myself last year.
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If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Whoa… oh I see lol
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”