Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

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This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.