For Halloween this year, I’m going as the parents from Dirty Dancing since I’ll already be yelling at everyone for having fun.
You Might Also Like
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else