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maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
(more comics:
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Would you wear it?
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”