Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I’m going to be for the rest of my life.
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So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Never deleting this app.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
money maker
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Tastes like chicken.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.