Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I’m going to be for the rest of my life.
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BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.