Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.