Halloween is just a scam by Big Cobweb to sell more big cobwebs.
You Might Also Like
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”