Halloween is just a scam by Big Cobweb to sell more big cobwebs.
You Might Also Like
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
fired
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Frankenstein?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.