Halloween is just a scam by Big Cobweb to sell more big cobwebs.
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Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
How I like cutting carbs
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Home #decor warning.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”