Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.
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[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak