Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.
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[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man