how halloween is celebrated in australia 💀
You Might Also Like
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
December birthdays be like…
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome