how halloween is celebrated in australia 💀
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Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.