how halloween is celebrated in australia 💀
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all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.