Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

My dog after a walk in the woods.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.