how halloween is celebrated in australia 💀
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date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.