Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.