how halloween is celebrated in australia 💀
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Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
◾️
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
we’re dead?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.