how halloween is celebrated in australia 💀
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dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Me: What!? You’re supposed to kick it when you drop it.
Her: Don’t ever come near my baby again
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.