Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?