I couldn’t find a Halloween wreath that was scary enough so I’m just gonna hang a 2016 calendar on my door.
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I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.