I couldn’t find a Halloween wreath that was scary enough so I’m just gonna hang a 2016 calendar on my door.
You Might Also Like
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
the last thing a carrot sees
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”