Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

😂

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.