Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

stand with me against insufficient seating

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

This is no longer winter this is harassment

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*