“i don’t really like halloween” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
The prophecy is fulfilled
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.