“i don’t really like halloween” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I’m listening
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
