“i don’t really like halloween” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I feel attacked.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.