Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

when unicorns get really drunk

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.