Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

Stop being racist to kettles.

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her