Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now