“i don’t really like halloween” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
‘I know a black person’
– White people
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager