I feel like Halloween is the perfect opportunity to not be sexy…. So before you put on that “underwear version” of a costume this season… consider a potato sack over the head, a plaid shirt, some comfy jeans and an axe as an accessory, really simple really cute.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
iPhone chargers should be called Apple juice. I’ll show myself out.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back
Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later
Me: Perfect, send it
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
