I feel like Halloween is the perfect opportunity to not be sexy…. So before you put on that “underwear version” of a costume this season… consider a potato sack over the head, a plaid shirt, some comfy jeans and an axe as an accessory, really simple really cute.
No regrets in 2018
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
