Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

I’ve had worse

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

Feels like the fourth month in January

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

A friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”

My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

go easy on yourself <3

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please