I love halfhearted halloween decorations. I love one witch plastered on a deli window with nothing else
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water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.