I love halfhearted halloween decorations. I love one witch plastered on a deli window with nothing else
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Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.