idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school
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HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.