Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

this came to me in a vision

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.