If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
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My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
welp
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.