If you really want to scare everyone this Halloween, dress up as intimacy.
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[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
They also CAN sing✌️
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?