If you really want to scare everyone this Halloween, dress up as intimacy.
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It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough