if you’re in seattle and you drive by my house prepare for the fright of your life
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Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
absolute chaos
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes