if you’re in seattle and you drive by my house prepare for the fright of your life
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I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
“OMGJK” -atheists
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?