if you’re in seattle and you drive by my house prepare for the fright of your life
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If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
The pen is writier than the sword.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Blocked: 1985
Every time.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.