Maybe if i dressed up as Iced coffee for Halloween, she’ll post me on her story
You Might Also Like
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores