Maybe if i dressed up as Iced coffee for Halloween, she’ll post me on her story
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My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Bros before Ohioes
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh