me on halloween vs me the rest of the year
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ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Bringing back this classic
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
neighborhood watch
