Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

A great first step 😂

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.