me on halloween vs me the rest of the year
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again