Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Saturday

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

also my go-to takeaway order

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

That’s commitment

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.